Tonight, there will be no challenge blog.
Instead, I want/need to open up and be unembellished for a moment- to tell you, outside of mothering and trying to follow Gods word, who I REALLY am.
I woke up this morning planning and hoping for a glorious day out with the children. I read my devotional and set out to conquer the day, like I usually do. Then it happened, life; It hit me like a freight train! The train even made a special delivery- anxiety attacks.
I had found out some heart wrenching news earlier that affected me in every way imaginable. It really threw me under the waves.- Enough to make my anxiety consume my whole body. Just a long, drawn out fight between me, myself, and I.
Even as I type this, I’m still fighting the battle.
I was married once before. It was a nightmare! It was filled with drinking, lying, fighting, cheating- you name it. Everyday that I was with him, I kept asking what it was that I had done so wrong. Deciding to finally walk away for good, was the hardest thing I had to do. Family and friends kept reassuring me that when the time was right, I’d meet someone that saw my worth, someone that would never hurt me. Then, a year and a half later, that day came. He found me.
It was simply amazing. I was living in a fairytale dream!- Well, I just got woke up.
Once you’ve been hurt, it’s hard to open up to anyone else. Then when you decide to give love another shot, and a replay of the ‘first love’ happens; It will take a major toll on your heart, mind, and soul. Leaving a path of destruction similar to a F-5 tornado. Infidelity hurts, no matter how far it was taken; It still hurts to think that you’re not good enough!
I know my kids sense there’s something wrong with me. My middle child, Amanda, brought me my devotional book while I was in the shower releasing Niagara Falls. Truth be told, talking to God was the last thing on my mind. It should have been the first.
I get out of the shower; My eyes are red and swollen. My nose is like my water faucet. My heart is in my throat.- I could play the role of a zombie, perfectly, at this point. Sitting on my bed, I opened my devotional to a random page. This is what I came across, “He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection… If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.- Psalm 91: 4, 9-10”.
I believe that was a sign for me to LET GO AND LET GOD!
As hard as this is for me to say, I am weak. I don’t know how or when I will get past this. Just knowing that Jesus will stay beside me and hold me while I cry over a silly guy, makes me feel a little better.
Just, please, remember my kids and myself in your prayers tonight.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Even though I don’t know who or where you are, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Not only did you take the time to read about my dramatic day, you took time out for me. Strange as it may seem, it makes me feel like someone, other than my kids, wants me around.
Goodnight, everyone. Pleasant dreams.